Hope.

Hope. It's something I haven't had for a long time. Depression has a tendency to take all your hope away. The moment you lose hope is the moment you feel like life is no longer worth living. It's been a long road, both for me and for everyone in my life. I am profoundly grateful for the support I have received over the last ten years of battling this (especially to the ones who stuck with me when no one else would--you know who you are). The battle isn't over and it won't be won until I see Jesus face to face and hear him say, "Well done, good and faithful servant." But I know I will win with Jesus on my side. 

Right now I'm in a good place. The episodes of depression aren't the life-threatening abyss of despair that they have been in the past. And I'm learning the skills I need to conquer the times of mania as well. I've also stopped cutting, hopefully for good, and I'm learning how to manage stress in healthy ways too. Someone said that healing from an episode of depression comes slowly, then suddenly. I think they're right.

And with this newfound stability, I can honestly say that I have hope again. A hope like this can only come from God. I think hope is something we take for granted, but when hope is suddenly stripped away, you realize how much you need it. Although I will never live this life without depression, aside from a miracle (which I haven't stopped praying for), I can be certain of this: 'He will wipe every tear from [our] eyes. There will be no more death' or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away" (Revelation 21:4). One day I will never have to wake up in the morning feeling hopeless. I won't have to wonder if I can make it through the day without another crying spell. I won't spend the day wanting only to die. And I will never have to go to bed terrified of waking up the next morning only to do it all over again. That day isn't here yet, but it's coming. Oh yes, it's coming.