Pain.

Disclaimer: I wrote the first part of this post back when the pain was very strong, so it seems quite dark at the beginning, but rest assured, it gets better and there is hope at the end of the post, so keep reading even when it seems like it couldn't possibly get better! Also, I debated for a long time if I should even post this, but I feel like God is calling me to post it. Even if it gives just one person hope, it will be worth the trouble.

Pain can be difficult to describe, but everyone knows what it feels like. With depression, you're in (extreme) pain constantly. Not physical pain like what you feel when you stub your toe or even when you break a bone; emotional pain, like what you feel when someone breaks your heart or you lose a loved one. Don't get me wrong, I'm not comparing anyone's pain or saying one type of pain is worse than another. They're all just different. The kind of pain I'm talking about is one that can seem unbearable. It's the kind of pain that drives people to suicide because they can't find any other escape from it. I once wrote in my journal, "This meaningless, empty life slowly drags on as the days drift by. Sleep is my only escape from the state of nothingness that has consumed my world. Everything seems faded. Edges are blurred, colors have dulled ever so slightly, even sounds seem a bit fuzzy. My tired eyes fight to stay open; my brain seems to have shut down. I don't want to fight it anymore. I want the darkness to consume me. I'll take anything over this dull, gray existence." It is a tragic kind of pain. The pain of depression makes it feel like your soul is bleeding. And the worst part is that there is often no apparent cause for the pain. On another occasion I wrote, "This pain is like ice cold water welling up within my soul. It's only a matter of time before it overflows. And when it does, the icy water consumes me as I struggle to stay afloat in this bitter cold sea of depression. When will this end?" For those who have never experienced depression, it can be hard to imagine (I had no idea what it was like to be in such pain until I experienced it firsthand). It's as if the pain is consuming you slowly, devouring you from the inside out. And even when I was having a good day (or week or month), I would still worry that it was going to get worse again, which prevented me from even enjoying the fact that the pain had lifted a bit.

But one thing I have only recently begun to realize is that there is a purpose for the pain. That it is in our moments of deepest pain and weakness that Christ's power is made manifest (2 Cor 12:5-10). So know this, that when we feel depressed or anxious or when life seems unrelenting, this is when Christ is most actively at work, refining us as gold purified through fire to shape us into exactly who He made us to be. When people ask the common question, "If you could change anything about your life, what would you change?" I never say that I would change the struggle with mental illness or make the pain go away. That's not because I enjoy the pain or because I want people to feel bad for me. It's because in those moments of weakness, I felt the mighty hand of God move in more powerful ways than I ever dreamed possible. So if you feel the weight of emotional pain weighing heavily on your life right now, I pray that you might hold on to the hope that Christ's power is being perfected in you even in your moments of weakness and that you are being refined as gold purified by fire. You will come out on the other side and you will have a story just like mine: Christ has made me strong and I am as valuable to Him as pure gold.