My Story (Part One).

I was thirteen years old when I first started to experience symptoms of depression. They came on slowly, so much so that I didn't even notice that anything was wrong for a while. My world slowly began to fade to gray. Colors seemed just a bit dimmer, lines and edges blurred ever so slightly, and voices and sounds seemed sort of muffled. It was as if a cloud had settled over me. I had no idea at the time that this cloud would remain with me for as long as it has. 

By the time I was fifteen, I had begun to isolate myself from my friends and family. I would go to school, but I wouldn't talk to anyone, sometimes for the entire day. Then I would go home and go straight to my room, where I finished my homework, then crawled into bed and slept. I would sleep all evening and through the night, only to wake up and do it all over again. It was around this time that I began to have thoughts of wanting to die. I felt so depressed all the time and I began to wonder what it would be like to simply stop existing. I didn't know at the time that what I was experiencing were suicidal thoughts, but I knew that I didn't like them and I wished they would go away. So, I talked to my youth pastor about the things I was experiencing and after listening to my story, he said to me, "Heather, I think you have major depression." You would think those words would be a crushing blow, but I felt strangely comforted by them; there was finally an explanation for the way I was feeling. Taking my youth pastor's advice, I talked to my mom and went to see my doctor. 

Sure enough, my doctor said I had major depression and prescribed some antidepressants along with recommending that I start seeing a counselor. This news was slightly less reassuring than what my youth pastor had said. The idea of going to talk to a complete stranger about my deepest, darkest thoughts terrified me. Nevertheless, I obeyed my doctor's orders and scheduled some appointments with a counselor. I went to counseling on and off throughout high school and took my antidepressants as prescribed, but did not experience much relief from my symptoms. In fact, the depression slowly got worse and worse until my sophomore year of college. But that story will be saved for my next post.