My Story (Part Three).

I felt some hope when I left the hospital after my first suicide attempt, like something had changed somehow. But things only continued to go downhill after that. I was soon diagnosed with psychosis resulting from the depression becoming so severe for so long (For those of you that don't know what psychosis is, it's a severe mental disorder in which thoughts and emotions are so impaired that contact is lost with external reality. It comes in the form of delusions about reality and also hallucinations, which came in the form of seeing, hearing, or smelling things.). This brought with it a whole new set of symptoms. I began to hear voices and see things that weren't there. I had dissociative episodes where I would try to harm myself, usually by cutting my wrist, and not remember what had just happened or why my wrist was bleeding.  This was all in addition to the terrible agony I felt deep within my chest. Sometimes I even felt a physical pain in my chest because the emotional pain was so great. 

Two weeks after my first attempted suicide, I found myself back in my car again taking too many of the same pills that had threatened to take my life the first time. This second attempt was also followed by an image of my brother, which prompted me to call the police so they could bring me to the hospital where I was given that same charcoal that I had been forced to drink only fourteen days earlier. By the time I got out of the hospital this time, I knew it was time to try something more drastic than counseling or medication. I went online and started looking up treatment programs for depression. After searching for several hours to no avail, God prompted me to search for an intensive outpatient program in a small town in Colorado that I had been to in ninth grade with my church youth group. 

Sure enough, I found a two week long program meant for people with persistent and severe mental illnesses. I showed my mom their website and we both agreed that it was the perfect option for me. Over the next few weeks, God allowed all the pieces to fall into place and on the Sunday after Thanksgiving, I was on a plane headed out to Colorado. Those two weeks in that program changed me forever. I found healing, rejuvenation, and strength in a Christ-centered atmosphere and was excited to return home with my newly acquired knowledge of how to cope with extreme emotions. I was ready to face the world once again through the power of Christ in me. 

My only mistake was believing that God had somehow completely "healed" my depression so that I wouldn't have to take medication or go to counseling anymore. I stopped both of these things and found myself back to square one within a matter of months. I was asked to leave school again, this time for a full year instead of just one semester. I was devastated and confused. I thought God had healed me from this terrible pain and I couldn't understand why He would allow it to return full force. Over time, I would realize that depression is a life-long battle and that the depression had much more to teach me about life before it would retreat into the background again.

Since that time, I have found a great counselor that is teaching me a lot and helping me sort through all my emotions in a healthy way. I have also started Dialectical Behavior Therapy, which will teach me how to cope with suicidal thoughts and thoughts of wanting to self-injure. I now know that while God's plan may not be to completely get rid of my depression in this life, He is going to teach me how to manage it and live a full life in the midst of the pain and struggle. And who knows, maybe someday I'll even be able to help someone else who is going through something similar. I may not know what the future holds, but I know the One who holds the future.