Music.

Music has always played a vital role in my life, but I never knew just how important it was until I became depressed. I played saxophone in band from fifth grade all the way through my senior year of high school and I picked up my first guitar at age eleven and bass at age thirteen. Music was fun for me and I enjoyed a good beat and thought-provoking lyrics. However, when I became depressed, it was like a lifeline for me. Suddenly I had an entirely new set of emotions that I didn't know how to deal with or express. I couldn't even begin to describe how I felt, so I turned to the one thing that could. Music has a way of saying the things we can't seem to say ourselves.

I often found myself wondering why God let me feel so much pain. "My whole world is the pain inside me. The best I can do is just get through the day. When life before is only a memory I wonder why God lets me walk through this place" ("Beauty From Pain" by Superchick). Then I wondered if God even cared about my pain. "I fear you aren't listening because there are no words. Just the stillness and the hunger for a faith that assures" ("The Valley Song" by Jars of Clay). I would ask God to show me that He was still there. "Send me a sign, a hint, a whisper. Throw me a line 'cause I am listening. Come break the quiet. Breathe Your awakening. Bring me to life 'cause I am fading. Surround me with the rush of angels' wings" ("SMS (Shine)" by David Crowder Band). Then God would speak to me through the lyrics of "Times" by Tenth Avenue North: "In times of confusion and chaos and pain, I'm there in the sorrow under the weight of your same. I'm there through your heartache. I'm there in the storm. In my love I will keep you by my power alone. I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been. I'll never forsake you. My love never ends."

Even though I would hear God speak to me, I would still wonder if He really cared. I found myself asking God why over and over. "How long have I been in this storm? I'm so overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form. The water's getting harder to tread with these waves crashing over my head... I know you didn't bring me out here to drown, so why am I ten feet under and upside down? Barely surviving has become my purpose 'cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface" ("Storm" by Lifehouse). Then the words of "Need You Now (How Many Times)" by Plumb would play through my mind. "Oh, I get so tired of holding on. I can't let go. I can't move on. I want to believe there's beauty here. How many times have You heard me cry out 'God please take this'? And how many times have You given me strength to just keep breathing? Oh, I need You. God, I need You now." God always seemed to show up in those lyrics. He would make Himself known every time I cried out to Him. He never made the pain go away, but He would give me just enough strength to make it through that moment. 

Sometimes I would cut myself because I felt so much pain. The lyrics from Plumb in the song "Cut" rang true for me because it helped explain the pain and why I cut. "I do not want to be afraid. And I do not want to die inside just to breathe in. I'm tired of feeling so numb. Relief exists I find it when I am cut. I may seem crazy or painfully shy. And these scars wouldn't be so hidden if you would just look me in the eye. I feel alone here and cold here though I don't want to die, but the only anesthetic that makes me feel anything kills inside." That song helped me realize why I hid my scars (no one seemed to care... they wouldn't "look me in the eye") and it helped unlock the key to end the cutting.

Music never takes away the pain, but it explains it and makes it manageable. I don't know what I would do without it.

I drew this eye this morning. It's kind of ironic and symbolic for me because with depression, sometimes I can't cry, but need to do something with the pain. Drawing helps me release some of that pain, like crying would normally do. So, I drew a crying eye :)